Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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