wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
