You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
