we dont do blackfin have a good night :)
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
