Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
