Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
