you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize