omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
