I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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