I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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