you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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