i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
