seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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