so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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