So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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