Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
