everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
