I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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