wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
