I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
