Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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