my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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