i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
