It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
