I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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