There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
