Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
