i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
