omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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