I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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