I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize