Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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