Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
