I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
