I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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