How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
