She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
