I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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