Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
