Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
