dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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