With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
