im about as happy as oj after his trial
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
