Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
