He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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