I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
