Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize