Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
