Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
