My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
