If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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