The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
