how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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