paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You need a sexual gate keeper
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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