so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
