"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
