Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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