I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
