i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
