its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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