The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
