Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
