rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
