i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
ugly people sure do ruin things
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
