i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
