totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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